Lawns were invented by the devil.

I'm hard pressed to think of anything else that forces you to work so hard to achieve results you aren't satisfied with. You can mow, water, bag your clippings, mulch you clippings, mow, fertilize, not fertilize, aerate, treat for 50,000 different insects, mow, spray, overseed, treat for crabgrass, and mow yet you still end up wishing your lawn looked like someone else's.

I'm currently embroiled in a battle with my own green demon. In fact, I have double the torture since I have a front and a back lawn. The front lawn was actually a source of pride for me when we first moved in. It was lush and green, until the grubs came. Now I have a lot of brown grass mixed in. The back lawn has always been evil.

Before we moved in they replaced the septic system. Its something my wallet and low tolerance for the sight and smell of human waste are happy about but the suburban lawn warrior in me is still pissed.When the covered up the new system they just covered the yard in rock strewn fill instead of topsoil. As a result, I've been in a full time fight to get the grass to fill in.

The real crime in lawn care is the over abundance of lawn "experts" Every a-hole with a Briggs & Stratton is convinced he knows exactly what your lawn needs. For every guy that says do this, there's another guy who says, with equal conviction, that its the last thing you should do. I just want pretty green grass. I'll live with some weeds or a little clover, I just want a lawn without big dirt patches.

The good news is that I can give up on the lawn rebirth soon. In another couple of weeks we'll be out of range for planting new seed (according to the experts). Then I can spend the summer mowing big dirt piles sending clouds of dust all over the neighborhood. In the fall we'll start another round of seeding, watering and crying.