In the past couple of years I’ve noticed my memory isn’t what it used to be. I forget things shortly after I’m told, I’m completely useless in the grocery store without a specific list, and I find I write notes to myself constantly at work to remind myself of things I have to do. None of this used to happen before.

I was chalking it up to old age. Thirty two will rear its ugly head in less than two months. I figured I’ve peaked an its all down hill now. Hair is growing where it shouldn’t and falling out where I want it so why shouldn’t memory loss go along with it.

Now I realize I was wrong. Old age isn’t making me forgetful, its the internet.

Follow me on this one. Your brain is only big enough to remember so much. There’s a finite capacity like your hard drive stuffed with videos of monkeys smelling there own poop and falling off branches. Once you have enough memories and bits of information rattling around in your skull, your brain has to push some stuff aside to make room for more. So you lose the combination to the lock you use at the gym, you lose the location of the car keys, or you forget that your wife told you to put your clothes away.

Normally you don’t have a ton of day-to-day information fighting for space in your head but the internet ruined that. I have “memberships” to dozens of different websites from forums to retail stores to the cable company. They all require usernames and passwords and secret questions and they’re all different. These numbers are always swimming in my head, blocking the storage of new information like a hockey goalie.

Now we’re changing banks which poses a new number to remember. I knew my old bank account number and even the routing number by heart. I’d had it for years. Never mind the PIN which I had just finally gotten down after changing it when Jaime joined the account. Its all just a little daunting.

Clearly something has to be removed from my brain to make room. If I could, I’d chose something like, forgeting how to light a match with an ax (yes I can do that), or how to clap with one hand (yes again), or all the dialog from Steel Magnolias (don’t even ask). Instead, I forget to go to the grocery store for formula or to pay the exise tax on my car.

I see no end to the creation of new memberships and new passwords though. I’ll have to resign myself to scribbled notes and emailed reminders guiding my way through the day. Maybe I’ll turn to tatooing myself with important information to be sure I won’t lose it.

Now, remind me again, what were we talking about?

Dan reminded me that I need to vent my tirade over the immigrant boycott that happened earlier this week. I was too busy working to write a long post about it unlike the illegal aliens who took the day off and clogged traffic to teach us a lesson.

Before anyone gets too upset with me let me just explain my position on immigrants. This country is built on the concept of immigration. At many points in our history, labor markets have made immigrant a dirty word but I think immigrants are important to America. I think our process for becoming a legal resident of this country (notice I didn’t say citizen) is tricky, convoluted, confusing, difficult, and arbitrary. I sympathize with immigrants who come here legally, get jobs, but then must leave because they cannot obtain the proper paperwork to stay. I say if you got here legally and have a full time job you should get to stay. Then you can live freely, pay taxes, and work like the rest of us.

Now for the rant. Illegal immigrants have no right to be here, or to complain about being asked to leave. When the word illegal is in the very phrase used to describe you, you have shaky credibility to say the least. While I may sympathize with your plight to escape whatever horrors are in your own country, your focus should be on getting here legally.

This idea that we should just say “Olly,Olly oxen free” and claim all the illegals in the building are legal as of this minute is laughably stupid. Why not have an “All-murderers-now-free” day? Same thing right? They did something illegal. If you’re here illegally, try to obtain legal status. It can be done. If not, leave. Simple.

To stage a protest and boycott is also some of the silliest shit I have ever heard about from a group that no one is happy with. Think about it. You organize these people to stay home from work and school for a day. The best-case scenario is that the world grinds to a halt and we suddenly realize how important immigrant labor is. Newsflash! We know immigrant labor makes up a large portion of the workforce, guys. We also know that if you don’t come to work today the worst that happens is long lines in McDonald’s and a day’s delay in shirt factories.

The worst-case scenario, which happened, is that you walk off the job for a day and no one notices. Great plan, guys. Just confirm for us all that you are replaceable. And keeping kids out of school! Are you nuts? Work is one thing but school is there for the kids to learn. Skipping a day hurts them not the school. Hell, if anything it will save us money for not having to teach illegal immigrants for a day.

Just to compound matters and drain every ounce of sympathy I had, they decide to march on main streets during the afternoon rush hour. So let me get this straight. You want me on your side. So to get me there, you skip out on work for a day to march with picket signs in a deliberate effort to screw up commerce. Then, you march during rush hour so that I, the guy who worked all day, can get stuck in traffic and delayed in getting home. Is this supposed to endear you to me? Have you never heard of Road Rage?

So here’s what you can do. Come to this country, legally. Get a job. Learn English and speak it in public since it is our language (I encourage every culture to keep their native tongue in their families and communities). Learn to appreciate the nation anthem in English because you cannot change a national anthem. When you change it, it is just a song and a really bad one at that.

Immigrants built this country and that shouldn’t change. But the immigrants who built this country came here and worked their asses off. Nothing was handed to them and they never expected, nor would they accept handouts. Learn from that.

This creepy old man got arrested in Florida for going door to door giving out free breast exams. I have to tell you, I’m far more concerned about the absolute morons he deceived than him. I usually feel bad for people who get conned but this guy’s scheme could only have fooled the dimmest of the dim.

First, a guy you’ve never seen shows up at your door with a black bag claiming he’s a doctor. This should set off alarms. When was the last time you saw a doctor do house calls? What is he Dr. Baker from Little House on the Prairie?

Second, he claims he’s from the local hospital and they’re sending out doctors door to door to give free breast exams. This is where a person with below average intelligence starts looking for the cameras and Ashton Kutcher. When was the last time you heard of a hospital doing anything for free?

Finally, your dumb ass lets him in and he insists you get totally naked for a breast exam. What? I’ve never had one but I’m fairly certain that a breast exam would cover…breasts! Why do I need to take my pants off again?

One woman only figured it out when he bagan fondling her genitalia without gloves! I’m sorry, this guy needs to go to prison but these women need more punishment. Once upon a time there was a headless chicken who played tic tac toe or something at carnivals. He would have seen this coming!

This is right up there with those idiots at fast food restaurants who allowed their managers to strip search them because a guy on the phone claiming to be a cop told them to. You can’t protect people from themselves. Some are just born victims.