A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ”Guaranteed my ass,” he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ”If you can catch me you can have me!” Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ”I like the way this company does business.”

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ”If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it’s worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.

”Are you sure,” asks the representative on the phone, ”this is our most rigorous program…”

”Absolutely,” he replies. ” I haven’t felt this great in years!”

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ”If I catch you, I can have you!!”’

A little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver and starts saying things like “if my mom was a dog and my dad was a dog i’d be a little dog” the bus driver kind of laughs the boy then says ” if my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow i’d be a little bull” the bus driver thinks its getting kind of old now the boy keeps on saying things like that and the bus driver keeps gettin madder and madder then the boy says ” if my dad was a car and my mom was a car i’d be a little car” which totally pisses off the bus driver so he says ” alright you annoying little brat if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a whore what would you be then” the little boy replies ” a bus driver”

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
tewday.”

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward
employment” and then the interviewer asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at
10:00 A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.”

“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two
hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in
for that”