The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who’s more important than the president?

Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office.

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi. The cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Sheldon.”

“Who,” asks the man?

“Sheldon Cohen. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time.”

“Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody,” stated the passenger.

“Not Sheldon,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!

“Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy,” the cabbie continued. “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything…Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”

“Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!” said the passenger.

“Well, I never actually met Sheldon,” admitted the cabbie.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asked the passenger.

“After he died, I married his wife.”

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, “Oh Mum! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to
Amy,
“The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of
our
cows today.

I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the
barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him
down to
the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail,
she
tells him, “This is the one….. right here.”

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy
blonde, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is
the cow
to be bred?”

“That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: “I guess
it’s to hang your pants on……